Amanda

I want God to be enough.
but I'm so mouldable by flawed human influences.
And I want them.
Why do I desire that which is detrimental to my righteous goals?
...I hate Ransom, for being such a bad influence...but I love him for loving my God...ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
And I love Christina rolfe and we should continue coorespondence Via letters...I still love her more than anyone...
and yes, friends can do that.

"Labor not for the meat which perisheth, but for that meat which endureth unto everlasting life, which the Son of man shall give unto you, for him hath God the Father sealed."-john 6:27

Repentance is to leave the sin we loved before; and show that we in earnest grieve, by doing so no more.

Enough that God my father knows:-
Nothing this faith can dim.
He gives the very best to those
Who leave the choice with Him.

And shall I pray Thee change Thy will, my Father, until it be according to mine?
But not, Lord, No that shall never be, rather I pray Thee blend my human will with Thine.
-Amy Carmichael

Teach us good Lord, to serve thee as Thou deservest, to give and not count the cost; to fight and not head the wounds; to toil and not seek for rest; to labor and not to ask for any reward save that of knowing that we do thy will.
-Amy Carmichael

It
All
Depends
On
Me

Some want to live within the sound of church and chapel bells; but I want to run a rescue shop within the gates of hell.
-CT studd

alone.
Where are they?
The people like me.
The ones who actually may have a face
behind the mask
of course
why bear
when you can hide

SAT...must die...must study...must FREAK OUT CAUSE SAT IS APRIL 1!!!!!!! Right when I come back from Florida. THE HORROR!!!!


Oh and I updated my Fanfiction if yall didn't know...so say hi!

I suck at being mediocre. Everyone praises me for being soo good at a lot of things. I should be thankful, but sometimes I find myself willing to give it all away to be great-that is ABOSOLUTELY ADMIRABLY AMAZING-at one thing. Here's my delema. I would love to devote myself to music (of course after God); However,I am already resolute that I WILL go and live in Japan. No question. However, it's ont like Japan's exactly crying for American musicians...and I recently found out that the alto sax isn't in symphony or orchestra!!! ARG ARG ARG! That means I need to pic up a new instrument. and also, it will cost about $400 to fix my sax, adn I was supposed to the the NC symphony competition april 23!!!!!!! ARG ARG ARG!

I like rusty spoons

Only fools hope while wise men shun that fatal, diabolical curse-a curse which causes men to reach for the stars without contemplating the necessity for air.

I'm now alone. I'm in a new state and I am homeschooled-people drove me to the brink of insanity. Of course, our society condones insanity-promotes it as something to be strived for. And then they give you pills-for your own good and not for the pharmaceutical companies, or so they assure us. You see, people say that pills make them feel better-well then if you fill soooo much better stop talking about the problem you used to have because the pills have made you better. Really, I think pharmacopoeia just is an excuse for the users to get more of the attention they drove themselves insane trying to merit in the first place. I’ve driven myself mad trying to be great-to earn applause. But recently I’ve begun to think that I shall never be great-I am but a mediocre human, and no matter how hard I study, or how far I can run, or how well I can draw, I will always be the norm-a C average female. Sometimes I still feel insane, I feel insane because now I’m not insane but my insanity was all I ever knew and now I feel as though without it I am nothing. I suppose I’m still screwed up. I’m truly trying to accept myself but I hate me sooooo much. If I were only thinner, quieter, prettier, sweeter…Atleast I’ve been diagnosed by a professional now-I don’t have to assume I’m EXTREMELY perfectionistic-I’ve been labelled! Woohoo!… I’m done now…I’m bored.

I wrote this whole long thing on myspace but it got deleted and I was like...OK, well, livejounral wont hurt me so...so here I am. I was all happy because my weight seamed to be steady and then I randomly gained a pound and I'm all like...GR..but I'm not driven enough to go back to dieting JUST yet. If I gain any more I will. I think I'm somewhat done with my wonderful eating dissorder bouts_HURRAY! Like this morning-I ATE FRUITLOOPS!!!!! and last night-ICECREAM! I know; I know; and yes, I feel accomplished.
I miss CT a lot. Actually, I hate CT but I miss my friends SOOOO much. If Christina doesn't come here for college I think I'll just...eat cake (I do that when I'm sad). I'm not saying I haven't made friends. I have; like these flippy dudes...they're awsome, and really fun, but I feel like eventually I will scare them...because as you all know after about 2 weeks I am myself...and that is frightening. And no one knows the grass song!!! WTF! I want to shout "I LIKE GRASS MFs!!!!!" but noooooooo no one knows about the joys of grass here...or barney...or Anime...I am currently suffering from anime freak withdrawl...AKA...MY EAST HARTFORD GANG+Kelcey!!!!!! *cries* oh...
School starts tomorrow and instead of being uber excited like I usually am..I'm sad. We have 4 periods 90min long-WTF. And then after half a year we change courses! Which means if I have Alg 1rst half of the year...I don't take math for a whole nother year which means I will forget everything which totally ruins the point of even taking that class!!!!!! And I only get 1 elective: band. Why you ask? Because I'm in 2 AP classes which means 90min classes----BUT ALLLLLLLL YEAR. Well, I think I get college credit for them-so that's a score.
HEY I cut my own hair! My mommy wouldn't let me get it cut so I thought "oh yeah? Stoke you" and I cut it...It's really uneven...but it's a messy hair style and I really don't care how uneven it is a s long as it's short.

I know, i know. I am horrible at updating my livejournal. Well, to fill you in: I got angry at a bunch of people at connecticon which was okay because I was enlightened to the stupidity of all people even the smart ones (all my friends are smart *friends=smart people I was pissed with for being too EMOTIONAL*), I found out I truly hate the world, I'm discusted with girls, and I'm seriously depressed but that's a good thing because happy people are stupid and I hate them (I don't need a reason to hate myself anymore than I already do), oh, and I found that I hate myself to like an uber extream extent(no surprise there), and I also discovered the sad truth...I FORGOT MY BLADE IN CONNECTICUT!!! No fair! Adn lastly, I got really mad because someone tried to argue about the nutrition in milk. Now, granted this was a semi smart person but arguing with me about nutrition is not very smart because A) 99.999999999% of the time I am right B) I get better grades than this chick so...HI!!! C)I actually study nutrition to an obsessive extent D) she has a lot of health problems!!!!!! and how many do I have....ZERO!
I know I sound like an egotistica bitch, but you know...I'm right; so if that makes me a bitch fuck you idiots who are not bitches!!!!!
I love you all! lol

Look at me *weeeheee* i'm updating my livejournal...weeee...

I may be leaving the state forever tomorrow...The scary part is I'm not sure if I'm comming back to get my stuff-not that I'm leaving. You see, Now I don't know whether to bring the things I need for school or not. I think I'm going to Weddington High school, which seems pretty cool cause they have an art club. I have to read those stupid books and I only have about 26 days to do it in...arg. I've already decorated my school notebook that I bought like 2 months in advanced. I won't lose this one like I lost my last one with all the precious old photos on it!
my mother is somewhat horrified because I'm so heartless. It's her fault that I can't form attatchments to anything!!!! That's gonna be bad for marriage. My husband will say, "I'm going to leave you." And I'll just be like 'OK, make sure to leave money on the counter on your way out." lol.

Wow...I haven't written this for a long time...well, that's mainly because most of my crap is on myspace...my sn there is Salad fingers if you must know lol. Well, a lot has happened. I'm moving to NC because walter got a job down there. Sadly, I'm left home cleaning...and cleaning...and cleaning...and de-weeding the garden. I'm gonna miss everybody!!!!!! But i will see you again. NOw I know most people say that and then they lose touch and the end...But when I moved out of EH I still kept in touch with laura, jen, and christina...so what's a few hundred miles more between friends, right? My mom said if anyone wants to visit me they can stay for a week or two at our house in NC...So..If you guys are lookin to up the milage on your car...come on down!

Most of my blogs are on myspace under the username future239miler...but here's some other stuff"
Exerpt from Stepphenwolf by Herman Hesse: (concerning Harry, the symbol of a Stepphenwolf) There are a good may people of the same kinda as Harry. Many artists are of his kind. These persons all have two souls, two beings within them. There is a God and a Devil in them; the mother's blood and the Father's blood; the capacity for happiness and the capacity for suffering; and in just such a state of enmity and entanglement towards and within each other as were the wold and the man in Harry... Thus, like a preciousm fleeting foam over the sea of suffering arises all those works of art, in which a single individual lifts himself for an hour so high above his personal destiny that his happiness shines like a star and appears to all who see t as something eternal and as a happiness of their own. All these men whatever their deeds and works may be, have really no life; that is to say, their lives are not their own and have no form. They are not heroes, artists, or thinkers in the same way that other men are judges, doctors, shoemakers, or schoolmasters. Their life consists of a perpetual tide, unhappy and torn with pain, terrible and meaningless, unless one is ready to see its meaning in just those rare experiences, acts, thoughts and works that shine out above the chaos of such a life. To such men the desperate and horrible thought has come that perhaps the whole of humna life is but a bad joke, a violent and ill-fated abortion of the primal mother, a savage and dismal catastrophe of nature. To them, too, howeverm the other thought has come that man is perhapse not merely a half-rational animal but a child of the gods and destined to immorality."

"None of us intellectuals is at home in reality. We are strange to it and hostile...Well, I had often pondered all this, not without an intense longing sometimes to turn to and do something real for once, to be seriously and responsibly active instead of ocuppying myself forever with nothing but esthetics and intellectual and artistic persuits. It alwaysed ended, however, in resignation in surrender to destiny. The generals and the captains of inustry were quite right. There was nothing to be made of us intellectuals. We ere a superfluous, irresponsible lot of talented chatterboxes for whom reality had no meaning. With a curse, I came back to the razor."


Exerpt from Siddhartha: " Siddhartha had learned how to trasact business affairs, to exercise power over people, to muse himself with women; he had learned to wear fine clothes, to command servants, to bathe in sweet-smelling waters. He had learned to eat sweet and caefully prepared foods, and to drink wine which made him lazy and forgetful. He had learned to play dice and chess, to watch dancers, to be carried in sedan chairs, to sleep on a soft bed. But he had always felt different from and supirior to the others; he had always watch them a little scornfully, with a slightly mocking disdain, with that disdain which a Samana always feels towards the people of the world. If kamaswami as upset, if he felt that he had been insulted, or if he was troubled with his business affairs, Siddhartha had always regarded him mockingly. But slowly and imperceptibly, with the passing of seasons, his mockinery and feeling of superiority diminished. Gradually, along with his growing riches, Siddhartha himself acquired some of the characteristics of the ordinary people, some of their childishness and some of their anxiety. And yet he envied them. he envied them the one thing he lacked and they had: the sense of importance with which they lived their lives, the depth of their pleasures and sorrows, the anxious but sweet happiness of their contnual power to love. These people were always in love with themselves, with their children, with honor or money, with plans or hope. But hthese he did not learn from them, these child-like pleasures and follies; he only learned the unpleasant things from them which he dispised."

OMW I
m gonna kill myself!!!!!!!! I lost my notebook...you know THAT notebook...the one that holds all your crap...the one that controls your school life, and has those black and white pictures of your great grandma and grandpa whom you loved more than life itself and now that their dead that is all you have to remember you by, that notebook that mom said she would murder you if you lost, the one with all your notes adn crap for school...your only hope of passing exams....THAT notebook....is gone. FAR FAR AWAY INTO AN UNKNOWN LAND...I'm gonna FRY! Like....the electric chair. It's waiting for me! And you know what-I deserve it-to lose that notebook is a crime against life!!!!!!! IT WAAAASSSS in my book bag so the only option is that that moron that was after school too at 5:30 stole it while I was in the bathroom. THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION! and I can't get it back...but I must....ARRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

YES! My computer is back. It gets so man virus' it's crazy....oooo well...not too much has happened...uh...dated Rick...dumped Rick....snuck out of my house to go see a movie...it was fun. Track season started...I made it to States in the 800meter relay. I'm the slowest person in the relay-gag...oh well, atleast I got into states...Now I get to put it on pretty aplication thingies! States are Teusday and I'm pretty nervous. Conference was my first time ever racing an 800meter and now the biggest track competition in Connecticut and I've only raced the event once...hahaha...that's funny.

HI! I had a shitty day! I lost at a track meet. Oh, if the fact that I came in last is not bad enough-all my friends were there....Score. I thought about seriously killing myself...but I'm re-thinking that because I recently got into coach Dion's (my wrestling coach)good graces cause I pinned a guy 2 times in a match.... granted the guy was scrawny but....hey... I need an ego booster at the moment so let me assume what I like. But coach said "you kicked that kids ass!" and "good job today" so...I may not kill myself...YAY! Maybe I didn't run so well because of the absense of male contact...seriously...I need a dude...I'm sure the running problem had NOTHING to do with my bad back...no...of course not...

Hi Doug. He's standing over my sholder...YAY! I should be going to track practice...but...no. I will...eventually. My legs hurt so much! I cried saturday cause I was in so much pain, but my coach doesn't know that. If he did he would be like "you can;t run in the meet on teusday; take a break" and "taking a break from track' meens-get fat. ooo i was in joe's hoodie...with him...hehehhee....I'm giddy today...I think. I wasn't before...and I won't be in track...but yah. Joe is so damn sexy...well, actually he's not...but he is in a...not sort of way...Sigh...I am gonna be late for track now....but it doesn't start for a while. Hey! The coach actually asked me to be on Cross country. he said I should be on varsity! but of course...about 80% of all girls on CC are varsity...but let's pretend it's a honor just for chucks. I'm gonna go now. i'll update later...BYE!

Okay. So Rick asked me aout about 4 days ago. Now Rick is awsome, but I don't know him very well...and yet I still said yes. GR....He's what I don't want in a boyfriend-clingy. Arg- I want him to leave me alone; don't get me wrong-he's a great guy...but GOSH I can't stand clingy men. While I was sitting with him I decided I wanted him to be Joe...I want Joe. Plain and simple. Of course Meagan probably already told Joe about Rick, and now Joe has had time to be like 'fuck this bitch' and now I'm never gonna get the guy I want. I think at school Monday I'm just gonna tell Joe I want to go out with him and see what he says. What's the worst that can happen...*sizzles*...never mind...don't want to think about that...

There once was a boy..named Joe. Joe was a sophomore in high school and was/is crazy enough to have an attraction to me. I have an attraction to him-ladeedadeeda. joe won't make a move; so me=getting bored. Then there is Ric. Ric goes to college...has his own car...likes me...he actually asks me to "hang with him" sometime. Me like Rick...ARG!
CAPT coming up...CRIES...
I had track today; the coach complimented me cause I was 3rd in the running...yay..I am fat
the end

OMW. I went to the wrestling banquet today and I was talking to the guys...they're still on weight...I'm like 5lbs over!!! How the hell did they stay on weight and not me! arg!
There's this guy...Joe...and yah...He's friggin awsome-like one of those dudes you pass in the hall and have to hold back the temptation to jack him up against a wall and kiss him...yah...I'll never get him-but we can pretend.
I miss my SW friends. Why did we move away from EH...we were all happy there. I want to go back to 5th grade. Convince my mom not to move away. Convince Laura, Jen, and Christina not to move...and just grow up in EH. I don't care how bad people say that town is. I loved it. We had the house all payed for. There was no stress over money...Sigh...
I have no idea how my grades are doing and that really worries me...ARG!
I was all masicusti this week again...my bad...I swear...never use pointy objects. Cause once you pop the fun don't stop, if you know what I meen. Guess no belly shirts or shorts for me-oh well, it's winter. I wear baggy clothes to hide my discusting self anyways.

I am so extreamly bored as you can probably tell. I have to clean the prop room today...I wish Joe could come with me...and I could get the guts to jack him up against a wall and kiss him...but that won't happen since he doesn't like me! Arg. OMW I have to at the school til 8:30 today. I'm trying out for color guard so I'm gonna go to one of the practices that starts at 6...and my mom can't pick me up til 5:30...so I might as wel stay all the way through....but still...gr.

Okay here's the story that sums up why I will always be single. Ocne upon a time I went roller blading with Meagan and Joe. I like Joe-I guess the correct phrasing is "I have a crush on Joe-now rumor has it Joe liked me...but not any more. You see, I invited Joe roller blading with Meagan and I, but Joe and Meagan skated too slow for me. Since I am naturally a loner, though I don't act like it, I thought nothing of skating off by myself until after when I was home where I thought "Maybe I should have skated with Joe." ARG! I'm such an idiot. So it's official, Joe will never like me again. *cries* but he's so damn...arg!! I want him damn it! OMw and to add to the not liking me he probably hates me. HEre's another story, I used to like Craig-sexy, juggling guy-Well he's a very comical character and makes for many, very interesting stories...So many, in fact, that I talk about him quite a lot...and wouldn't you know, I can't even keep my mouth shut about him around Joe. ARG! I really hate having an obsessive personality...I hate myself so much...ARG! I need tomorrow to come now so that I can get my friend to find out if he still likes me...gosh I am soo friggin obsessive...I'm gonna stop now.
Yay! Christina's online...I love her!